Somewhere between suffering
And Forgiveness is where the
Magic happens.
Thoughts for now..
Woke up this morning with a clear
Place to go. After much procrastinating
And tv watching I couldn’t find my phone
And decided to leave the house anyway.
For anyone who knows me, leaving the house without a GPS is quite a dangerous excursion. But I thought I could get to where I was going. So I went. Turns out I needed to go somewhere else. And on adventures there are no wrong turns. I kept feeling my way through as things changed, driving through wealthy neighborhoods in an other part of town and listening intuitively. There was something calling me, or I make up that there was. That these people wanted to be my clients, wanted to pay me more money than I can imagine asking for, and they want to do the same exact thing I’m doing. Listening deeply to their hearts and following intuitively their inner direction rather than the outer. So I would drive and hear that they were lonely or at home sad and tucked away in these protective houses longing for connection, much as I am… Just in a different tax bracket.
And then something opened up for me and I realized my mind and heart were open enough to go see this psychic and “get some answers.” I want to know where I meant to move… What I need to do to let go of anything that’s holding me back. Do I need to stay in Atlanta, etc. On and on in circles in my brain I feel this. And I didn’t want to waste my money when my heart wasn’t open, but I felt it was today. So intuitively I drove towards this place, taking several opposite turns feeling “oh wait, it’s over in the other direction.” So that was fun, maybe wasted a little gas, but then I found it! I literally found the place without any direction forum a part of town I didn’t know. So cool!!
Felt like I really won. Reminded me of a comedian talking about their experience as a kid trying to find something down a random side street and some days he could find it and some days he couldn’t, and it was like a treasure hunt. So I get there and there’s a couple sitting outside and as I park and walk triumphantly towards the building they say to me, “Oh it’s closed.” And I was like, but it’s Tuesday… Are they closed on Tuesdays? “No they’re permanently closed.” So I just laughed at the fact that not only would I not be getting my “answers “today” I wouldn’t be getting them from there anytime in the foreseeable future. And now I’m in a bookstore laughing and feasting on my claritY. Today is in fact a day for answers. Just the kind that reside in my heart not in someone else’s, no matter how qualified. And now to find my way home from here. I always do. Have everyday of my life. No matter how lost I get, I always find my way back. May use more fuel than other people but it works for me.
Have a wonderfully intuitive heartfelt day!
Something shook loose for me.
Tonight I lay in bed almost ready for sleep,
And I remembered the comedian on the podcast
Saying, “If you ever feel even an inkling to write,
You must get up and do it. Because no on wants to work.”
And I love that! And it feels true (for me). I must write to heal
And reconnect with my commitment to sharing when it comes through me. So I am writing. With no idea who or if someone will read this blog that’s been inactive for more than a year. I will write for myself and show up for myself. And it’s great when other people are with us, to follow and be on the journey, but one of the things that has been missing is me doing my work for myself. I’ve felt a lot of pressure over the last year to tap into something great, to burst through my own limitations and create something magical and real in the world. And it feels like a lot. Too much sometimes. So I get scared and stand still and let a few people into my process but not most. Most people don’t know why I haven’t made things happen or gotten my business off the ground or come alive. The truth is I”m often wondering the same things they are. And a good friend named it once when someone said, “Wait, I’m confused.” And her response was, “Yeah, I’m sure Meg is confused too.” And I was. And it felt so good to have someone protect me from the bombarding questions of what and why and how?
And now I come back to something a mentor says. “It’s all made up!” That’s their catch phrase. I’m not writing specific references because I just want people to be with the idea, not because I don’t want theme to have credit. The credit will be given, just no specifically in this moment. I feel empowered to write. It’s coming through me as it does sometimes. In that flow where I write somethign and don’t read it and release it into the atmosphere and feel amazing, empowered and empty after it leaves my fingertips. Without editing it just breathes in the space itself.
And I realized that if it’s all made up, I can change mystery from one of fear and worry to one of fun and creativity. My structure needs some bones. It’s been a bit floppy for too long (judgement) but inside me I can tell when it feels write to keep going. And in this moment, it’s enough just to say I’m interested in telling my story. Now in a new way. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.
Reading Jeanette Winterson’s autobiography created this inflection in my tone.
It’s got to be a joke right?
I took my car to the tire place twice
and each time there was a new problem created.
Fix one thing and create something else to deal with.
So on my way home I stopped by a different branch of the same tire company. My steering wheel had been shaking so hard core when going over 40 mph I had to give my hands a break on my drive home. Granted it was a 2 hour drive, but this was ridiculous. I thought, maybe they over corrected and bolted down too tightly (knowing nothing about how car stuff works). But I knew it wasn’t correct and I hadn’t had this problem before.
So I stop and take the car in and the people working on it said the last people hadn’t aligned anything and must have rushed the job. Let me be clear… this post is not a nasty yelp review… it’s going somewhere metaphorical.
They balanced and realigned the tires, I got in the car, skeptical, but excited to see how things turned out and I literally had to turn off my radio and listen to my thoughts as I drove down the highway. Things were going so smoothly, my jaw was literally agape. And I heard my thoughts “I don’t know what to do with this… it’s going so well. Something has to be wrong.” And I loved the affirmation of “thank god I’m not crazy and there was something wrong with the car, it wasn’t just me being picky and high maintenance… the steering wheel shouldn’t be shaking like that.” So when I got in my car and things were alright, I had to check myself and say, “Ok, did I just get a realignment to safety and ease? Like a reset?”
Mind you I’m driving home from the mountains after getting realigned with my purpose, my jumping off point, and my desire to go back into a situation with more clarity and love. And I’m like, oh shit… what do I do when I’m aligned? Nothing to complain about, nothing to be fixed and not one damn thing that needs my attention other than getting from point A to point B. HUGE realization.
When something doesn’t feel right, go to someone who can help and ask for what you need! You don’t need the answer, I didn’t need to know HOW to fix the car, just needed to act on the feeling that something didn’t feel right. Same in my life right now. Something didn’t feel right, and I needed to act on it. And after asking the angels and deeply in touch humans for help, now my wheels and my soul are realigned and basking in a bit of disbelief at moving forward. Again, I have to remind myself. Not about knowing HOW to move forward… just acknowledging when things feel good or when they feel off, bringing people into the conversation of what is needed and then just simply coasting from point A to point B.
I’m hoping this is a “life upgrade” the premium package of ease, direction, and clarity. Moving with a smoother road ahead, with a simple realignment and going to the right people for help when something felt off. Beautiful, simple template to build from. We’ll see what happens now!
One more damn transition
Is the way I felt at the end of Certification
Looking for a place to live, to sink into, to feel magic.
I know I ask for a lot of this world, of my life, of myself.
AND, it’s here now. It’s time. I’m so grateful I have a place to write my thoughts, to stretch out into and become. There are times when I need help making a decision, where my mind is so twisty that I can’t hear down to my heart. Moving is one of those times. Packing, transitioning. Making a new choice. How do I do this when I can’t feel my way through?
What is “this” you may wonder? It’s calling myself home. A place to rest, a place to use as a new center. A Place that wants me as much as I want it. A place that surrounds me and holds me when I doubt myself. The place that acts as my homing beacon/lighthouse/safety. I am looking for a place to nest. Out of the way, peaceful, 2-3 bedroom to share with my partner: 2 people, two cats, one small dog. A place for each of us to be contained and intermixed. A place I want to look out the windows everyday and feel the possibilities and allowing. Allowing me to wake up– as I wake up the world. As I grow my world. As I stand in my power. As I learn to believe in myself more and trust the space. I’m looking for this place inside and out. I know it sounds complex but it’s really very simple… for me it comes down to a container for the magic of my being and all I will create this next year, and hopefully more to come.
After reading a post by Melanie Dewberry,
A soulful coach I admire. I was inspired
Yesterday to get clear on the message of
My Leadership journey.
I got quiet and listened… hearing these three things:
I am whole.
I will be left.
There are no guarantees.
Slowing down to listen is always helpful and I’m continually grateful my work is based on intuition and feeling my way through things. Thinking/figuring/getting something right– are all downfalls in this process for me.
So when I heard (I am whole) I knew it was a message pointing to leaning in, letting go and really knowing that I already have all I require. There will be no add-ons or adjustments. I’m 28 and I have all the pieces to my puzzle. And in case you’re wondering… my puzzle is round, shaped like a mandala.
Secondly, I will be left. My mom was a psychotherapist and a healer– and she had cancer. I remember when she decided to tell her clients she had been diagnosed with her third round of breast cancer. It had metasticized, and we were dealing with a very different animal than the first two times. This time was going to lead us down a path we’d never been down, including chemo and radiation. Affecting mom’s energy immensely, and her ability to work dwindled over the course of treatment.
She told me about a powerful exchange with a client where she told them about the cancer and got quiet, held space for them to process. And they said, “My biggest fear is that you’ll die.” And she looked at them, paused and said, “I will.”
And that was that. Staring right at their biggest fear. No sugar coating. No “We’ll work through this…” just “I will.”
I’m so scared of people I love leaving me. Romantically, physically passing over, pulling away emotionally… any form of leaving strikes a chord really deep since losing my mom. I would say I’ve probably been afraid of being left for most of my life (super young child of divorce). But after losing my mom, it feels really real and possible at the drop of a hat. So as I imagine saying to my mom, “I’m really scared of being left by the people I love.” She would look at me gently and say, “It’s going to happen.”
What now? What do I do with that? I’d love to coach myself into a better place, acknowledge the pain and find a nice reframe to flip it. But the truth is, I don’t even want to sit with it.
My dog has cancer, just confirmed this week. She will leave me. I’ll get through it. Tears and fears and support and all the best and worst parts of death and loss on top of loss. No matter the time frame, they seem to build on each other.
And lastly,
There are no guarantees.
This is closely tied to being left– no matter how much I love someone, no matter the promises we make there are no guarantees. I think of the children and families I used to work with at Make-A-Wish. Parents who wanted to make a baby and had no clue they would end up with a four year old with Leukemia.
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage. And recognize there’s the part of me that just wants the guarantee… I will love you forever. I won’t leave. You won’t have to be alone.
But there are no guarantees.
I’m heading into a Transformational Leadership program in March, and I know my life is about to change… unsure what my work, love life, family, living situation, financial success and stability will look like 6 months from now. I’m used to things falling apart so other things can fall together. It’s a hard process to sit with and trust. Over and over again.
When I sit with “no guarantees” I also sit with the possibilities of creating a bigger and more expansive life than I could even imagine. And let’s be honest, that’s really what I’m afraid of. That there’s so much uncertainty. And aliveness…. I feel it waking up in the back of my heart.
So holding back nothing, I let go one small step at a time. Cleaning out the closet or putting my name out there for a business opportunity. Letting go of my expectations of how this will all unfold.
I am whole. I will be left. There are no guarantees.
I started this blog with the intention
of sharing my journey with people.
The title “Moving With Love” echoes
my constant movement as a dancer,
and a highlight of movement… with the idea to move to California back in 2013. Seems so long ago now, that my friends joking refer to it as– “remember that time you were going to move to California?” or when people ask, “Didn’t Meg move to CA?” the response is… “oh, that was just a thing.” I love that response. My friend Faith gets credit for that one.
Now I’m approaching one final movement. The movement towards HOME. Creating home: inside of myself and in this physical realm. It’s time to move again. My lease is up in April and I’m looking for a house to root in, to move home to, to settle within its walls and find some longevity and peace there.
I’m also doing the internal work of moving home. Of witnessing what it is to claim myself as a vessel and create a home inside my bones. To inhabit fully the weight of my humanness without being weighed down by it.
I started a group for young spiritual people and we wrestle with the ideas and intersections of our own humanity and divinity. This is one of those times in my life where the transitions seems endless and home seems like a faraway ship on the horizon… not quite sure yet which direction it’s moving in. Just that it’s out to sea. To see. #2015
I am a coach without a New Year’s resolution.
Because it doesn’t matter *for me*
What matters to me is that I’m slowly moving with what I’ve got. There’s actually no need to spring forward into the New Year with an unreachable goal or standard I set for myself, only to feel guilty about not achieving it later. No. No need for that.
For me, the year will unfold and I’ll be taking baby steps and giant steps and losing moments I thought I knew I needed. But I don’t. I’m rambling now a bit. And it feels good.
I am here in the New Year with the peace of mind saying yes to goodbyes, to appointments, to marketing myself or my business. And saying no to no thank you’s… to things I don’t really want to do, but it would be good to do.
I’m saying I want:
A master plan *like the conductors score of the symphony. Seeing the dips and valleys, peaks and crescendos, getting the big picture.
A sense of hope in times of hopefulness.
A sense of place this year. Of settling inside and outside myself.
To be free. To let myself be free. To be bundled up in excitement and telling myself I am exactly where I need to be at this exact point in time to get to where I’m going. yes?
I want a community to play with, bounce ideas off of, string up lights and make sounds until they echo out into the ethers. Answering our own questions and playing some more.
That’s good for now.
In training to be a Co-Active coach with the
Coaches Training Institute (CTI), I put myself out there
and asked to write for their blog.
Excited to share with you where I am in my process:
http://www.thecoaches.com/blog/2014/10/what-do-you-mean-the-universe-supports-my-coaching/
Please click the link to read.
Today I will let myself
write before bed.
Know I did the best I could.
And get a good night’s rest.
I intend to let myself off easy tonight. It’s been a hard day where I couldn’t get out of my head and was running around in circles beating myself up with one of those “therapy bats” my mom used to have. Some foam core covered in red or pink fabric that I only imagined as a kid her and her clients hit each other with. Come to find out that’s not exactly how it went down.
So as I think back to my 8 year old self– she would say, Why aren’t you dancing in your room? Where’s your tiara and feather boa? Who told you to sit around feeling bad about stuff all day? NO ONE. Is the answer to that question. But would that really be me almost 20 years ago?
No, it would be more like a girl reading, doing her homework, watching tv like it was literally made of marshmallow that could be licked from the screen with my eyeballs– I think I was tv obsessed for many years. Let’s blame it on the single parent only child thing. So when I think back to my 8 year old self I wonder what she would have interrogated me about today. “What do you mean you’re not _______? Why not? What else is so important?”
And once I took the time to explain that I didn’t want to work so hard to be an olympic gymnast and academy award winning actress, I think we would sit down and she would start asking the harder questions. Like, “where are the dragons? where are the fairies and magical worlds we used to create? where are the stories and the friends? why don’t people come over and dress up?” I think she would cry when she heard that I don’t invite my friends over to play pretend. I played pretend for a long time. Heck, as an adult I still do. Just not in the same way. Not in the same real way. In that really real way like in the movie Hook when the kids are talking to Granny Wendy and say– Jack says you’re not the really real Wendy.
Where fiction and truth don’t matter because we make up a new one. There’s no collision, everything fits because we just get to make it up.
So Dear 8 year old Meggie,
Yes, I still play with dragons and sometimes wear feather boas. And often play with ideas and stories. But I don’t often get to play pretend with my friends. I don’t really invite my friends over to run around in the backyard and pretend we’re fairies. I could though. I’ll find a way. Don’t give up on me. Don’t cry. I think we can make up a third option between fiction and truth and it will be the best yet!
Love you, yes I still sleep with Snowmonkey.
Post written in response to #2 of the strange questions: http://markmanson.net/life-purpose/
Moving With Love 